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Various Jokes
a bunch of crap jokes
A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
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The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right
mind would park in the passing lane?"
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"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the
engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a
Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
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A man sits next to another on a plane, and introduces
himself, "My name is Bond, James Bond." The other replies,
"My name is Damme, Van Damme,
Claude Van Damme,Jean Claude Van Damme."
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A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his
coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons
to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.". The
waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned
shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
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Aunt Billie, a stewardess on a local airline, was giving the standard
safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the
event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation
device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I
believe the seat can float?"
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A man with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked
up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."
--------------------------------------------- ------------
The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right
mind would park in the passing lane?"
--------------------------------------------- -------------
"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the
engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a
Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
--------------------------------------------- ----------
A man sits next to another on a plane, and introduces
himself, "My name is Bond, James Bond." The other replies,
"My name is Damme, Van Damme,
Claude Van Damme,Jean Claude Van Damme."
--------------------------------------------- -------------
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his
coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons
to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.". The
waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned
shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
--------------------------------------------- --------------
Aunt Billie, a stewardess on a local airline, was giving the standard
safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the
event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation
device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I
believe the seat can float?"
--------------------------------------------- -----------
A man with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked
up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."
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