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Thing written in resumes, CV, reviews etc
extremely funny: The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters.
The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments .
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ..
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments .
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ..
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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