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Intimate Embarrassments
Talls of the embarrassing intimate moments
It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate...But sometimes sex is just an embarrassing cock-up. These women were willing to cringe and tell all about their Sexual Blunders:
'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'
-Maureen, manager, 25
'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere - would it? We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.
-Anna, journalist, 28
'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are quite open- minded and on our first morning his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.
-Jane, estate agent, 25
'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex under water. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing - until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'
-Elana, publisher, 32
'I was about 18 I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I didn't really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the bedding, I did catch the words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an experimental nibble or two. Then he started pulling my hair a bit, which I took as a sign of him getting carried away with passion. Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I heard a howl of pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying, "don't bite, don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it any better.'
-Nomsa, record company executive, 25
'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls - one eight and the other ten - decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother- in-law was even more horrified. She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.
-Trina, pharmacist, 27
'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'
-Maureen, manager, 25
'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere - would it? We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.
-Anna, journalist, 28
'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are quite open- minded and on our first morning his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.
-Jane, estate agent, 25
'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex under water. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing - until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'
-Elana, publisher, 32
'I was about 18 I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I didn't really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the bedding, I did catch the words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an experimental nibble or two. Then he started pulling my hair a bit, which I took as a sign of him getting carried away with passion. Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I heard a howl of pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying, "don't bite, don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it any better.'
-Nomsa, record company executive, 25
'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls - one eight and the other ten - decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother- in-law was even more horrified. She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.
-Trina, pharmacist, 27
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