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British News Bits
a collection of funny news clippings
___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
___ From The Times: ___
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."
___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": ___
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
___ From The Times: ___
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."
___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": ___
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
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